WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

Decorated Christmas Tree
Even something as simple as putting up the Christmas tree could be a great help for Alzhiemer’s caregivers.

December 12, 2011 — In my last writing, I touched on attitude from those who might not feel the “necessity” of being part of a loved one or a friend’s journey into and through the Alzheimer’s experience because they couldn’t deal with it emotionally.  My response was simple:  “It isn’t about you.”

However, I thought it might be good to share some thoughts from other people.  I did receive a few comments from those who read what I wrote, and I find it amazing that this “attitude” is common out there, but for various reasons.  Negative attitude is often what might drive a wedge through a loving family splitting them apart, or a supportive attitude and positive effort can pull that family closer together.

I also read an article from The Alzheimer’s Reading Room by Bob DeMarco where he asked several questions as to how a caregiver might feel when confronted with someone near and dear having the disease.  His last question, which really wasn’t a question, went something like, “Your life in caring for someone with Alzheimer’s has remained the same and has been unaffected with no complications.”  The first word out of my mouth was, “Ha!”  I wondered if Bob meant it as a joke or it had slipped by him in error.  More than likely it was a tongue-in-cheek attention getter.  Trust me, it got my attention and my dander standing straight up.  How can anyone who even has a remote relationship with an AD victim remain unaffected?  Then I went on to read some of the comments, various blogs, and mused previous conversations I’ve had with people.  I marvel at how different we all can be given similar circumstances.  The following are some excuses heard by not only myself, but by friends and family members:

1.  Fear:  Friends or even family members may have some kind of distorted, sub-conscious fear that the disease is catching.  They may also fear that the caregiver might ask them to help.

  2Jealousy:  From a long-ago conversation, “Mom and Dad appointed you to be in charge of their health care, so do it.”  With that kind of attitude, it looks as if Mom and Dad were right.

     3.  Distance:  “I wish we could be more helpful, but we live so far away.”  As a retired couple, Mr. and Mrs. Wishwecould take lots of vacations, and always stop by to visit the folks for a few days and make a big fuss over AD Dad and Mom.  At least, that’s a good thing.  Could they do more?  Certainly. The Wishwecoulds need to extend their vacation for several days and suggest that the caregivers plan a respite during that time while they take on the responsibility of the folks for a few days – or more.  And, the caregivers need to assert themselves and make the suggestion if the offer isn’t forthcoming.

     4.  But I work:  Don’t we all, it’s just that many caregivers don’t get paid.  Even people who work have holidays and weekends.  They might even have some personal time coming, and then there is after work time as well.  I’m sure some kind of relief and/or help schedule could be worked out.  Caregiving isn’t an easy time for anyone.

     5.  But I do help: “Didn’t I bring you up to speed with the latest report on AD research?  Have I not become an expert on the disease?  Just ask me anything.  What?  You mean you want me to help clean him up?  Change his diaper?  Stay here with him while you go to the bank and do a few errands?  No. I’ll do my thing and you do yours.  Did I tell you what I just learned about AD on the internet?”

     6.  But I’ll give you my opinion:  “I really think you should put him in a home.  That’s where he belongs.  I don’t believe you know what you’re doing, and he could be a danger to himself and others.  After all, what experience have you had?  The neighbors think so too.”

     7.  Too educated to help:   “The adult children are either in higher education or have graduated, often appearing to be ‘above it all’ when it comes to actual help.  If they do anything at all, they become short-tempered with me and give me eye rolls at how I’m handling things at home.”

     8.  But what can I do?  When AD is diagnosed, there isn’t much to do, but as time goes on there are any number of things people can do to help.  Several years ago I was doing fine, and then my granddaughter, Katie, asked what she could do for me.  I said, truthfully, that there wasn’t much I needed.  Then she asked if she could help me put up the Christmas tree.  “That would be wonderful,” was my response.  And she did.  Several days after the holiday she called to ask if she could help take it down.  She did that too.  For those wondering what you can do, just offering to do some little thing might be the biggest help of all.

     9.  It’s all about me:  Those remarks I made in the last writing also apply, but they’ve been pretty much covered.  “It hurts me too much to see loved ones ill or in the hospital.  It’s too depressing.  I just can’t deal with it.”  My answer to that remark would be, “Get over yourself.  Your are needed to help with mom or dad.”

    10.  I’m sorry, I just didn’t realize.  Actually, that’s not a cop-out.  Some people really don’t see the whole picture, so it is up to the caregiver to speak out.  Get beyond being hurt because you’re not getting the help you need.  Sometimes we, as caregivers, just have to humble ourselves and ask.  Furthermore, and after all is said and done, it’s important to be forgiving to those who just don’t “get it.”

I received a beautiful and positive comment on The Rusting Years from Chessa who responded by telling me that she was so glad she was there for her grandmother and now, after grandma has passed, she was able to write, “I often thank the Lord for no regrets of ‘should’ve’s’ ‘could’ve’s’….. only peace in knowing ‘we did.’”

Originally posted 2011-12-10 05:37:08.

2 Responses to WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

  • Chessa Honey says:

    “Your life in caring for someone with Alzheimer’s has remained the same and has been unaffected with no complications.” … WOW! That could not be farther from the truth! I do trust he meant it tongue-in-cheek as you said. 🙂 Thank you again for an honest and fresh look at reality.

    • aromick says:

      I’m not sure if misery loves company or not, but it is good to know that other caregivers are frustrated by the same things that I find frustrating. The nice part of this post is that I got to end it on such a positive note, thanks to you. If only everyone would do that what a happier world we would have.

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