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PAY IT FORWARD

We were on a date, Ken and I, just getting to know one another.  We had been to the zoo in San Francisco.  While walking back to his car we noticed a man in the parking lot with a handful of tiny American Flags – paper – the size of a postage stamp – glued, possibly, to a tooth pick.  Wearing a military cap, and one of the picks stuck into the button hole of his lapel, he didn’t have to say he was a veteran.  We just knew.  It was also Memorial Day and the veteran was soliciting donations for the VFW or some other worthy veterans’ group.  Ken stopped, took out his wallet and handed the man a dollar bill.  In return my date accepted one of the tiny American flags and, with the accompanying straight pin, I placed it on his shirt collar.  Mind you, when we were dating, a dollar bill was worth a dollar – 100 pennies — and could have paid for both of us at the neighborhood movie.  I was impressed.  My boy friend was generous. 

My husband – who happens to be the same guy who took me to the zoo – has always been generous; not only with money, but with his time and energy.  If someone needed help he was the first to step forward.  Saturdays were often lost at home because Ken was helping a friend or a neighbor do some job that needed one more pair of hands.  So the chores I had lined up for “Honey” to do were postponed until another Saturday.  He had an insatiable desire to help others – to be of service – to “Pay It Forward” long before anyone ever heard of the book made into a movie.

 Several years ago, when Ken was better and we enjoyed life together, we saw the movie titled “Pay It Forward.”  If you didn’t see it the story was about a young boy who believed in doing good.  No one taught him, no one told him to be kind, to be caring, and to think of others.  The gift of charity came with his packaging – a spiritual gift.  It was one of those feel-good movies with a sad ending, which possibly sealed his message of paying it forward on the hearts of all who saw it.

          

The boy’s outline for doing good lay in three steps:  Watch for opportunities to help someone, do something nice for someone you don’t know, and spread the word.  When a surprised recipient asked “Why are you doing this?” the answer was to pay it forward, and the recipient could continue the good work by helping three other people — instantly making the world a better place – and then those three people could help three more people until everyone everywhere understood about paying it forward.

 

Surprisingly, I found on line that through the book and the movie a foundation was created to educate others about changing the world through good deeds, and November 17 is “Pay It Forward Day.”  I am also impressed at how contagious it becomes.

 

My friend Jack who is on Facebook wrote on his page, “I stopped by the grocery store and just staked out the people waiting in line.  I noticed an elderly lady, and as she neared the check out I politely asked if I could pay for her groceries?  ‘Yes!’ she answered, shedding a tear, as did I, and I paid.

 

“When she was through the line I explained how ‘Paying It Forward’ works.  Thrilled with the whole concept, she left saying that she was going home and bake cookies for the ladies at the bank.”

 

Jack later told me he went back to the store the morning after he had paid for the older woman’s groceries.  “The same cashier was working and said she could not stop telling people what I did, which inspired them to follow the example.  She, for instance, paid the dinner bill for an elderly couple at a Mexican restaurant.  The response from their waiter, the manager and the couple was unbelievable.”

 

Comments from other friends quickly filled Jack’s page, and with his permission, some posts are printed below:

 

“Wanted to follow up on the ‘Pay It Forward’ idea, but since I missed the actual day I decided to make it a quasi ‘random acts of kindness’ instead.  I was at IHOP w/my Mr. & son, and noticed there was a woman eating by herself.  When my waitress gave me my check, I asked for the gal’s also.  The waitress thought it was great.  I told her it was because of my friend Jack and paying it forward.  Jack, you are an absolute doll! Someone who understands true charity and practices it.  LOVE and admire your huge and expansive heart.  I am grateful to be your friend. You are amazing, Jack!  Now, that’s the Holiday spirit!”

 

 “Awwww Jack.  I love it. I’m going to do the same……”

 

“I try to do this on a regular basis!  It’s amazing how good it makes you feel to do something unexpected for others.”

 

“I’ve done that on the Bay Bridge – paid for the person behind me as I drive through.”

 

“You made me cry, Jack, you are too kind.  God bless you.”

 

“What a beautiful thing you did Jack.  Brought tears to my eyes.  I will certainly begin to pay it forward.”

 

“You topped me, Jack.  Near Halloween some bigger kids saw my ‘Trick or Treat’ candy in my cart and said, ‘I want to come to your house.’  They were buying a bag of cookies, and I grabbed their bag, handed it to the cashier for her to ring up on my bill, and tossed it back saying, ‘Happy Halloween.’  They were shocked and said, ‘Thank you, ma’am!’ Kidding, I said, ‘I’m going to take those back.  How about Miss.’ I love surprising people like that.”

 

“I give candy canes to the toll takers on the bridge.”

 

“Jack, I haven’t seen you or spoken with you in a decade or more.  When I read your post, memories of you came flooding back!  This is SO YOU!  I will put this on top of my TO DO list for tomorrow.  Thanks for reminding us to take the time to pay it forward.”

 

 If Alzheimer’s had not been in his way I know Ken would be doing good deeds for other people the year round not even remembering the movie.  After all, he was known to many as the nicest guy in the world. However, I know he is not the only one with that title, especially as we enter into this wonderful season of hoped-for peace and goodwill to all mankind.

 

It’s good to know that there are so many nice people out there doing thoughtful things for others, and many more who just need to be reminded. The only thing I will challenge about the November date is that it’s too close to Christmas. Christmas: when most everyone is kind-hearted and thinking of others.  Perhaps they should have made “Pay It Forward Day” sometime in mid-January – after the Holidays are over; when it’s cold and full of winter, when the lights are gone and the Christmas trees are waiting at the curb for the recycling truck, and our thoughts are about just getting home where it’s warm and inviting; when we might be inclined to fall back into thinking mostly of our own comfort — ourselves. January: when it can be dark and gloomy, and the storms of nature and life keep pounding at our door.  That’s when we need to do and say, “Pay It Forward and Keep It Going.”  Keep it going into the brightness of spring, the lazy days of summer, and into the colorful charm of autumn as Jack Frost reminds us once again of another winter, and a year filled with generosity. May we all strive to make the entire year glow with the Christ-like goodness we all have deep within our hearts.

 

Meanwhile, as you are finishing that last bit of Christmas shopping, don’t forget to pay a little something forward.

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Originally posted 2010-12-11 05:41:44.

FRIENDS IN CYBERSPACE

Early on with Ken’s Alzheimer’s I joined a support group sponsored by our HMO.  My friend Madalyn, whose husband was also an AD victim, picked me up for my first meeting, and for a time it was a good thing.  I would hate to use the term “Misery loves company,” but I’m going to use it anyway.  Perhaps it was the motivating force for going — at least in the beginning.   Finding others who share the same burdens, the same dilemmas, and the same problems is often comforting as well as educational and helpful.  After all, it is this miserable disease in common that links us together.

However, circumstances change: Madalyn’s husband passed on, the timing no longer fit into my schedule, and eventually Ken couldn’t be left alone for such a long period of time.  No matter how beneficial the guidance and help had been, plus the medical information obtained, attendance for me became impossible, yet I needed something.

Other sources:  Books for starters, Madalyn gave me her copy of “The 36 Hour Day.”  Another friend began sending me scientific updates on the disease, and I continued searching the internet for any new developments.  Johns Hopkins puts out a weekly newsletter covering many facets of many illnesses, including Alzheimer’s.  I subscribed and it arrives quite often in my inbox.  Printed under the headings of any one of the issues are diseases of interest.  Each mini article allows the reader a glimpse of what’s contained in the full paper.  For more solid information you must download the rest of the paper or book for a fee. It’s good to know an abundance of helpful information is available if and when needed.

After reading and more reading plus watching PBS’s specials on Alzheimer’s I found I wasn’t necessarily looking for any further brain scans or definitive breakdowns on the disease.  I felt thoroughly informed as to what was happening to Ken’s brain.  Okay, I understand what it is – now what?  It was hands-on information I needed:  like an in-house support group where I could glean and share tips on how-to skills, in polishing up my own acceptance, increasing my strengths, my endurance, coping methods and picking up on dozens of ideas not even thought of.  Back to the internet – and what a wealth of support group information exists — mostly from people just like me.

The first post of my Blog, nearly two years ago, had an immediate response from Dr. David, a middle-aged psychiatrist who appeared to be much too young for any of this, but was stricken with Lewy Body Dementia (LBD).  I know next to nothing about LBD (which is no doubt lumped under the Dementia Umbrella and is a close relative of Alzheimer’s) Despite my LBD ignorance David was warm and welcoming, inviting me to join his link.  That evening I read several entries from his blog as well as entries from others as far away as Australia, all of them coping with LBD.  I ached for where they were – physically and emotionally — and what they were going through: the victims as well as the caregivers.

Dr. David’s wife Pam is his caregiver, and I’ve noticed, now, when I go to his site and read his entries I find his battlefield has become strewn with his many losses, but he struggles forward enduring as the valiant fighter he has proven to be.  His posts are dotted with what we all feel: anger, frustration, humor, incredible sorrow, and acceptance, but also with lots of information, hope for a breakthrough and some positive signs for more research funding from Congress.  A breakthrough in any of these mind deterioration diseases will benefit us all.

I also find encouragement from writing my blog when I receive comments from people I don’t even know.  Most, if not all, have had experience as caregivers for AD or other related diseases.  For many their battle is over, but for some it’s just beginning such as one woman who was caring for her AD mother and had just been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s herself.  She was pleased to find my posts are driven by my faith and my personal relationship with God, and took comfort in my writings about what we shared.

From as far away as South Africa I was advised that there is life after Alzheimer’s.

Another message stated simply, “Thank you for sharing your journey with us.”

Writing to me about my post a young woman wrote, “How sweet, and how sad at the same time.  Whenever I read your blog I am blessed.”

“Best of luck to you.  I know how difficult it is.”

From another who wrote, “The hardest thing to deal with is feeling alone, but you are not alone.  We are here and through this blog we can share in your very difficult battle.”

There are many out there who believe the internet is a bad thing filled with perverts, child molesters and ugliness.  It can be.  We do hear, see and read stories of its abuse, and lives ruined because of misguided and inappropriate use.  Simply put, it’s a tool.  Any tool can be used for evil – or for good.

Writing about my journey has brought me peace and has kept me focused.  I often refer to my computer – especially the far-reaching internet — as my electronic therapist, which I may have stated in previous posts.  Not only can I tell my readers of the good moments in our battle against AD, I can vent.  And during the tough times if I need some encouragement all I have to do is go to my pages of comments and read all of the supportive words from those of you who have taken the time to leave me your loving, caring messages.   I know that I am not alone in this frightful journey.  Thank you.

Originally posted 2010-11-14 03:40:53.

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